What your reaction after a fight says about your relationship
Do you go into full withdrawal mode, or expect your partner to be a mind-reader? (Photo: Getty Images)
Let’s say you and your partner get in a fight. Do you go into hiding, laying low until the air clears? Or do you want to address things, but only if your spouse plays mind-reader and brings it up first?
According to a new study, both responses can damage your union — and one is a bigger threat than the other. Plus, each response reveals something different about how you might really feel about your relationship.
Butting heads is inevitable, even among the happiest couples. One common way to deal with conflict is to disengage from the other person, often through one of two methods: withdrawal, or something called passive immobility. “Withdrawal is when you actively avoid the issue and wish it would go away,” study researcher Keith Sanford, PhD, associate professor of psychology at Baylor University, explains to Yahoo Health. “Passive immobility indicates that a person wants to resolve things, but only if their significant other takes the initiative.”
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Curious about what each disengagement style says about the health and future of a relationship, Sanford and a team of researchers from Baylor devised three separate small studies, enrolling a total of 2,946 male and female study subjects (some married, others in committed relationships). Participants were asked to assess how they handle coupledom conflict by answering specific questions or completing a relationship satisfaction index.
The findings: Those who used withdrawal tended to be bored or apathetic about the relationship, and they withdrew to maintain control and independence. “It’s a defense mechanism used because they feel criticized,” says Sanford, who led the study, which was published in the journal Psychological Assessment. Participants who responded with passive immobility, on the other hand, felt neglected and anxious. “They craved reassurance from their partner, and their thinking was, ‘If my partner really loved me, he’d know I was upset and wanted to confront the problem,’” he says.
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Which style was more likely to spell doom for a union? Passive immobility led to worse communication and anger, and partners who used it were less likely to resolve an issue. Meanwhile, withdrawal was linked to lower relationship satisfaction. Because withdrawal stonewalled any interaction with the other person, “it escalates a conflict, so that may be more problematic as time goes on,” says Sanford. “But both styles reduce communication — and if a couple isn’t talking, it’s hard to work things out.”
So what’s the takeaway? If you see yourself or your significant other in either of these disengagement styles, consider how often it’s used — and the fact that it might be taking a serious toll on your union. “We all use these behaviors from time to time, but if used excessively, there are long-term implications to the future of your relationship,” says Sanford.
