New Book Debunks the Pressure for Parents to Be Perfect
Why being a perfect parent isn’t all that important. (Photo: Getty Images.)
Former stand-up comic and mother-of-three Stefanie Wilder-Taylor is known for her irreverent parenting style. Her debut book, Sippy Cups are Not for Chardonnay, introduced parents to a hilarious celebration of imperfectly raising children. Now a new release, Gummi Bears Should Not Be Organic (published Tuesday) continues in that vein — tackling the pressures of parenting in essays titled “Kids’ Art: They’re Not All Picassos” and “Eff the Park.” Wilder-Taylor speaks to Yahoo Parenting about how she’s learned to achieve balance in our this-way-not-that-way world of parenting.
What are the biggest pressures on parents these days?
The thing that really kills me is that the bar seems to be constantly getting raised beyond anyone’s reach. There’s the crazy pressure to breastfeed otherwise our babies will surely be less intelligent and susceptible to diseases and we need to feed kids healthy, organic, homemade food, and to make sure that they exercise outside and breathe fresh air. But wait, we should also have them in a ton of activities so that they’re well-rounded and can compete when it’s time to fill out college applications, yet they need time to do their mountains of homework (in a quiet place to study), plus their daily reading (my kids are supposed to read upwards of 30 minutes a day). Plus, new studies come out constantly adding to the pressure — if you don’t sit down to family dinners every night your kids are more likely to abuse drugs or if you let your kids watch TV before the age of two they’ll develop ADD. It’s exhausting.
Stefanie Wilder-Taylor, the author of Gummi Bears Should Not Be Organic. (Photo: Nickelodeon)
Where does this pressure come from?
We read a lot more about parenting than our parents did. Their generation only had a book or two about raising children and possibly the pediatrician to let them know that breastfeeding is ridiculous and they should use formula. In my mother’s time, she was a rebel for breastfeeding exclusively. But luckily she did otherwise I’m sure I wouldn’t have gone to college and I would’ve waitressed until I was 28. Wait a minute: I didn’t go to college and I did wait tables for way too long. Never mind.
There is also the pressure we feel from other parents which is sometimes real and sometimes self-inflicted. Every time I hear of a mom who makes homemade dinners every night and packs stylized lunches based on Pinterest boards, I feel insecure about my own parenting. But I try to remind myself that given the finite minutes in the day, that parents must be falling short in some other area. Maybe they kill themselves doing all of the crafty stuff but then lose it. I’m not saying that’s true but thinking it makes me feel better.
How can parents identify what’s important?
Ask yourself what’s important to your family. You can’t do everything. Maybe you feel strongly that kids need to be involved in a team sport and (this is key) your kid thrives being on the basketball team. In that case, family dinners may have to take a backseat to games and your homework sometimes gets done in the backseat of the car or not at all…Or you’ll be like me and try to do everything, working yourself up into a constant panic. But at least you’ll get a book out of it.
Any advice for parents who put pressure on themselves to parent ‘right?’
I try not to give advice (some of it sneaks in anyway) and just share my experience. You are going to fail sometimes but own it and apologize to your kids when you’ve done something wrong. Admitting your faults is very powerful example to show your children.
How can we all be less judgmental of other parents and just say, in the words of Amy Poehler, ‘Good for her, not for me’ and move on?
That is a lofty goal. I don’t know if we’re wired that way! It’s hard to know if we’re doing things right unless we judge others for doing it wrong. We have to remind ourselves that we’re doing the best we can.
And try to hang out with likeminded parents so you aren’t feeling bad about your own choices. I’ve had to move on from friendships because our discipline styles were drastically different or because I felt judged for my parenting style.
Also, keep in mind that even if you think another parent is doing things wrong, they won’t want to hear it from you. I know of women who were best friends until one friend told the other that she needed to nip her daughter’s behavior in the bud. It ended the friendship. So if you know that your parenting core values are too far apart from your friend’s, you may need to move on.
What’s your bottom line on parenting?
There isn’t any one way to do things. And even if a scarifying study comes out today that makes you feel that you’re screwing up your kids, it’s best to take a step back before you completely change things up. Usually, another study will come out later that debunks the first study. You know how we all were convinced that watching TV before two caused ADD? Well, a study came out saying that TV in moderation even for babies isn’t a big deal. Yeah! Now don’t you feel stupid for not sitting your baby in front of a Baby Einstein video so you could shower? I don’t. Because I did it anyway!
