Is the Delivery Room Too Intense For Men?
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In the drama that is pregnancy and childbirth, women are the stars and men are the supporting players. But there’s one place where guys can also play a pivotal role: the delivery room.
Men used to nervously pace the halls of the maternity ward, puffing on cigars. Nowadays, they’re right alongside their laboring partners, giving encouragement and back rubs — or live-tweeting the event. Some men voluntarily show up for duty, others are pressured into it. Either way, fulfilling the role of a birth parter is intense. Case in point: On Thursday, Kristen Bell’s husband Dax Shepard told Ellen DeGeneres that he watched his wife give birth to their almost 2-year-old daughter Lincoln and, more recently, their newborn daughter.
“Kristen, God bless her, was in labor for 33 hours,” Shepard told Ellen. “[Her labor with Lincoln was] 15 [hours]. That’s child’s play.” He added, “She got an epidural hour 14 — as you should — and I think dads need something. I deserve something because I was along for the ride. It’s still a car crash and I’m in the passenger seat. I’m playing Katy Perry and I’m breathing and I’m rubbing her back and I have fatigue and I think, ‘I need something for this, help me.’”
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Who could blame Shepard, really? The delivery room is often a flurry of high-stress activity, beeping machines, and a stampede of people with strange medical instruments. All the while, husbands must remain calm and collected while their loved one undergoes one of life’s most physically demanding experiences. Not exactly an easy job. Regardless, 93 percent of women have their partners in the delivery room and 43 percent say the guys were more helpful during the birthing process than doctors, nurses, or doulas, according to a recent survey conducted by the website Baby Center.
That’s not surprising to doula and Lamaze teacher Deb Flashenberg. “No one but the woman’s partner is going to offer such loving, comforting, and unconditional support,” she tells Yahoo Parenting. Flashenberg, who also runs Prenatal Yoga Center in New York City, says most male clients are positioned down below for a first glimpse of their child, while 20 percent stay by their partner’s shoulders and two percent sit on the sidelines. “One husband was very religious so he prayed in another room during his wife’s birth and another did nervous laps around the room,” she says. One, Flashenberg recalls, even sat in a chair, calmly reading the newspaper during the labor and birth.
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For men who are uneasy about taking a front-row seat, the issue is usually more complex than the “ick” factor. Yes, birth is messy. Never mind blood, sweat, and tears. There’s tearing, a placenta, and unexpected bodily fluids. But male anxiety is usually less about sexual revulsion (“The vagina doesn’t even look like a vagina during birth,” notes Flashenberg) and more emotional. Biologically speaking, men are problem solvers and it’s frustrating for many to witness their partners undergoing such an intense ordeal while able to offer only an ice chip for comfort.
“That’s why men who want to be supportive should start during pregnancy,” says Flashenberg. “Accompany your wife to birthing classes, feel your baby kick, communicate your feelings about the birth.” Another idea: Determine your respective roles ahead of time so expectations are met. “If the woman is usually the emotional caretaker, her partner will need to understand that she won’t be able to assume that during labor,” she says.
It’s also important to respect each other’s feelings on the matter. Some women feel too vulnerable and self-conscious to have their partners present, and some men simply aren’t up the task. That might be why “push presents” were invented.
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