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How to get what you want: Tips from Arlene Dickinson

If you often find yourself confused about how to convince your boss to take a chance on your idea or struggling to cajole your kids into setting the dinner table, it’s time you learned the art of persuasion. And who better to teach us how to influence others than Arlene Dickinson, one of Canada’s most renowned marketing experts.

Persuasion is a key theme in Dickinson work life as CEO and owner of marketing firm Venture Communications and the lone woman “dragon” on CBC’s “Dragon’s Den”. But the Toronto-based entrepreneur insists that she sharpened her skills at home as a single mom. “You can’t have four kids and try to get them to do what you need them to do without being an expert in persuasion,” she says.
Now Dickinson is sharing the secrets to what she calls “principled persuasion” in a new book called "Persuasion: A New Approach to Changing Minds" (HarperCollins Canada, 2011). Here, we convince a master persuader to give us some tips.

1. Persuade yourself first
This might be the most important part of the persuasion process, because you simply can’t expect to sell anyone on an idea if you don’t truly believe in it yourself. Dickinson says she learned this valuable lesson in the school of parenthood. “As a mom, I ended up having to persuade myself that I was good enough as a parent. I made a lot of mistakes. I had to persuade myself before I could persuade my kids.”

Before you can convince your boss to give you a raise or persuade an investor to take a chance on your business, you must be confident in your skills and abilities. The same holds true for when you need to convince your family to get on board with your plans. “You need to persuade them that the journey’s worthwhile and that you have their interest at heart, too, “ Dickinson says.

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2. It's not all about you
The word “persuasion” can seem negative – like you’re trying to manipulate someone to get what you want. But in order to successfully convince someone to take a chance on your ideas, Dickenson says you have to consider what they will get out of the deal. “If you’re genuine and authentic and being who you really are, if you’re honest about what it is you’re going to do and if you believe in a win-win, you’ll get to a place where [both parties] can accomplish a goal together.”

The first step to making this happen is to truly listen to where the person you’re trying to persuade is coming from.  “When I say listening, I mean hearing; really understanding what somebody needs and wants from you, not just what you need and want from them,” she advises.

3. Make an emotional connection
While some may argue that it’s best to leave emotion out of any negotiation, Dickinson begs to differ.  “[Persuasion] is about collaboration and emotional connection. It’s about making sure that people understand you and want to do things for you. You’ll go to war for anybody if you believe in who they are and what they stand for,” she says.

Want your boss to go to bat for a new concept you’re pitching? Put yourself in her shoes. If she’s time-crunched, make your presentation short and to the point. If your meeting time is early in the morning, consider bringing her a latte. The same applies for persuading your family members – are you more likely to get your kids to agree to a new chore after a school day or on the weekend when you’re all feeling more relaxed?

4. Choose your words carefully
While making a connection is an important part of persuasion, Dickinson cautions that women in the workplace should carefully consider when and where they use language that conveys emotion.

“I think this idea that we have to act like men to be successful is just so ridiculously wrong. But I also think that we have to be careful…As soon as you say the word “feel” in a conversation, which is second-nature to women because we do feel things, men will shut it down and say, ‘Well there she is being a woman again,’” she says.

How do you know when it’s OK to use words like “feel” in a negotiation? Consider whether or not you really are trying to express your feelings. If you’re trying to convey an idea or concept, try replacing the word “feel” with the word “think.”

5. Be yourself
You may be tempted to act a certain way in order to impress the person you’re trying to persuade, but Dickinson warns that this approach will likely backfire.

“I think who we are in life is who we are in business. You shouldn’t have to put on this magic cloak the minute you walk in your office and be a different person because that’s when you create anxiety in yourself,” she says.

People can usually tell when you’re not being true to yourself, and it comes off as unauthentic and false. Instead, trust that your ideas, skills and great personality will help sell people on what you’ve got to offer.

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