How to Date Like a French Girl: Lola Rykiel

Photography by Nick Axelrod

Je ne sais quoi. It means to have “an ineffable quality,” and sure, it’s an overused expression, but it’s the only one that perfectly describes that thing that sets French girls apart from other women around the world. The slightly mussed-up hair and no-makeup, the give-no-f***s attitude toward basically everything—there’s a reason that, in the world of style, the French girl is considered the epitome of cool. Not surprisingly, that extends into the world of romance. Or so we have been lead to believe. We headed to Paris to find out how French girls really like to date.

Last week, we caught up with Lolita Jacobs.

Next up, fashion heiress Lola Rykiel—granddaughter of famed designer Sonia Rykiel—talks about her Tinder trials, the “rules,” and the biggest differences between dating in New York versus Paris.

Lola Rykiel: I moved to New York about four years ago, to head up public relations here for my grandmother’s company, Sonia Rykiel. One of the first things you realize when you’re a single girl and you move to New York is that it’s all about the dating thing, you know? And me, I’m very much of a romantic person, and especially coming from a Parisian culture, it’s so different.

Yahoo Style: How do French people date?
LR: Well, they don’t ‘date,’ that’s the thing. We don’t have rules; we live without having stages or labels. In New York, I didn’t understand that. When I was with my ex-boyfriend, after a few weeks of seeing each other every day, he was like, “Do you want to be my girlfriend?” And I said, “I’m already your girlfriend!” I didn’t understand that he was having The Talk, you know? Because for me, from the moment you kiss, you’re girlfriend and boyfriend.

Related: How To Dress Like A French Girl

YS: So that’s how it works in Paris.
LR: I mean, you’re not going to have all those negotiation moments. If you’re with that person and you’re kissing that person, it’s because you like that person. It’s because you want to be with that person. The difference is that ‘boyfriend and girlfriend’ is not as intense as it is in the States. In the States, it’s really like, “We’re boyfriend and girlfriend—we’re going to get married in two years.” In France, I have so many ex-boyfriends. It’s not as in-depth.

YS: It’s kind of like how, in New York, you would say, “I dated that person,” versus “I was their boyfriend or girlfriend.”
LR: The culture of dating here is really hard for French people to understand. I don’t understand it, and I’m basically a mixture between French and American because I’ve been here for a while. But at the same time, I’m always like, ‘Oh my god, this is so weird.’

YS: Is it just exhausting?
LR: It’s fun. I used to complain a lot about all of those rules, but now I understand that it’s quite cool. It means the girl, as well, can have fun.

YS: So now you like the rules. You’re like, “You’re not my boyfriend!”
LR: French people think, ‘At least we’re going to try to be faithful, at least at the beginning.’ And the Americans, they go different ways. They’re open at the beginning, and after, they get serious. You know what they say in France? The average Parisian, they spend the night together and then they go to have dinner.

YS: Do you think in America, courtship is more gender-equal?
LR: French women are more used to keeping the mystery and distance—this really romantic thing. I think Americans are more direct. I don’t like that so much. For me, it doesn’t feel right.

YS: You want to be courted.
LR: Mmhmm. Because it feels more safe, as well, you know.

Related: The Beauty Brand All The Cool French Girls Are Talking About 

YS: ‘Cause you’re not putting yourself out there.
LR: Exactly. That’s the cool thing about being a French girl—you don’t have to put yourself so much out there. But American girls, they’re like, “Nope. Not wasting time. I want him and I will get him.” Which is kind of cool.

YS: You’ve tried Tinder, right? What was your experience?
LR: I did. At first I thought, ‘Oh my God, this is so cool.’ It’s easy and it’s very sensual, tactile—like playing a game of Tetris or Candy Crush. It was genius at the beginning. And then, I had all those ‘likes’ from all those guys. But I became sad because it was clear there was no courtship anymore. All the guys assume that you already love them, and so there was no game for them, really.

YS: Because you already swiped ‘like’—there was no mystery as to whether you were interested in them.
LR: Yeah! They were already thinking that you were in love with them. Most American guys that I meet are quite confident, so it’s not good to give them too much. But this kind of arrogance—not because they’re American, but because it’s Tinder and you choose them—is quite annoying.

Related: 15 Problems Only Women Dating Multiple People Understand 

YS: There’s no sense of doubt. And that changes the entire dating game—the connection is predicated on mutual interest.
LR: I remember a guy I had a match with, and the first thing he wrote me—I didn’t talk to him because, being French, I never talk to guys, I always wait for them to talk to me, and they do the same thing, so it’s quite stupid—was “Just FYI: I’m looking for something casual.” And I was like, who the hell does he think he is? Just because I liked him and he liked me, he thinks that I’m head over heels for him and I’m going to…y’know? I said to him, “That’s a pity because I was thinking about tattooing your name on my forehead.” After that I was like, block. I think it’s fun to be romantic and dreamy and experience things, as well, but I don’t want to meet my boyfriend on Tinder.

YS: Are you going to try other dating sites?
LR: No. I usually meet people in real life, and I want to continue like that because it’s like, you’re on Tinder and not seeing the cute boy who’s on the street in front of you. Or you’ll be in Whole Foods on Tinder and there’s a super cute guy in front of you at checkout and you’re not even going to remember to [clears throat] and try to grab his attention.

YS: Since you’re in New York and not Paris, will you act a little more interested or will you still have to feign disinterest?
LR: No, I figured out an in-between, which is still maintaining my safe zone but being a bit receptive when I think something is right. ‘Cause I think that at the end, it’s better to choose and not be chosen.

YS: What do you mean?
LR: I mean that if you don’t approach anybody and you just wait in silence, you’re only going to have the option of the guys who like you. What if you see a guy, he doesn’t see you or he doesn’t like you at the beginning? You’re going to have to renounce him because he didn’t approach you? So, I appreciate that from my American girlfriends, that spirit of “No, no, no. I’m choosing.”

YS: It’s a good life mantra. It’s like, you can’t just be passive or else you’ll get whatever comes to you and not necessarily the best thing out there.
LR: Exactly. It’s about being responsible for yourself and owning your own desire. I hate when girls are like, “Oh, they’re all assholes.” I want to be like, “No, you can’t say stuff like that.” You just have to make decisions that take risk. If you always make the same wrong mistake, maybe you should think about it. But all the while, nobody always wins at every situation. You have to accept your fail and to make mistakes and to sometimes not play it safe.

Related: How French Girls Look Chic in the Cold

YS: The French are known for being a very passionate and romantic people. Who do you think are more sexually passionate, the French or the Americans?
LR: That is hard question. I don’t know if I can answer. I think… Americans?

YS: Really? Are more passionate?
LR: I don’t know. Yes?

YS: Why do you think it is?
LR: I don’t know if I can generalize that sort of thing. It’s from my experience.