Advertisement

What women (and men) want: Control instead of an apology

Sorry seems to be the hardest word (or so sings the great bard, Elton John), and according to a new study in the Journal of Social and Clinical Psychology, it turns out the artist may have tuned into a key psychological insight all the way back in 1976.

In an article published in the journal’s latest issue, researchers found that when couples argue it’s often an exercise in control rather than a quick resolution of right or wrong (“right” and “wrong” being very mutable terms in a marriage, as all married people quickly learn).

That means an apology can become more of a relinquishment of power rather than an admission of actual guilt. It also helps explain, to some degree, why “sorry” is sometimes so difficult to pronounce during a spat.

“We definitely respond to whether we gain or lose status,” study co-author Keith Sanford, an associate professor of psychology and neuroscience in Baylor University, tells the Toronto Star.

Also see: High achievers more likely to be jealous in relationships, study says

“When we feel criticized, we are likely to have underlying concerns about a perceived threat to status, and when that happens, we usually want a partner simply to disengage and back off.”

To test his hypothesis, Sanford and his team interviewed 455 married people between the ages of 18 and 77. The marriage lengths ranged from one to 55 years. The researchers wanted to know what each person considered their desired outcome from an argument, whether it was a tiny spat or a big, plate-throwing blowout.

After compiling the responses, the researchers were then able to narrow down the responses to six overarching types. At the very top of that list: relinquishing power.

To confirm these findings, a second study was undertaken with just under 500 participants. The results showed a very similar outcome.

Also see: Is summer love actually a thing?

But fights aren’t always just a raw power struggle. Other reasons for marital spats also included a desire for one spouse to “stop adversarial behaviour,” a plea for better communication and to show more affection.

It’s understandable for people to get their haunches up when they feel unappreciated or shut out, so sometimes an argument is simply about returning to a more comfortable status quo.

And sometimes a couple simply isn’t compatible. In that case, no amount of power redistribution is going to make it work.

What do you think of these findings? Sound like your relationship or do you and your partner fight about other things? Sound off below.