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The dos and definite don'ts of dressing for the office this summer

Well, CAN I?!?!
Well, CAN I?!?!

It’s that time of year: the sun is shining, the birds are singing, and you have absolutely no idea what to wear to work.

 

Of course, this is common. With changing trends come changing dress codes, and it can be easy to want to roll out of bed wearing the Beyonce concert T-shirt you haven’t taken off since Saturday morning, hoping a bucket hat brings it all together.

 

But it won’t. Not just because a bucket hat will bring nothing together (other than masses of people dressed up for a "Breaker High" re-enactment) (spoiler alert: they are all Jimmy), but because as grown-ass citizens, it’s up to us to learn how to wear clothes in a professional way.

 

Naturally, there are different definitions for “professional.” Case in point: I worked in retail for ten years, so it was professional for me to wear low-rise jeans and flip-flops because that’s what we were selling. Before that, it was professional for me to wear anything that looked good with safety boots and an oversize vest. But could you wear those things in a lawyer’s office? A hospital? A regular office with a dress code that’s like, “No tube tops, please?” No. But just in case you’re confused about what you can wear and, well, where, I’ve got it all figured out.

 

I’m here for you, survivors of office highrise air conditioning.

 

Should you wear:

 

A bucket hat?

No. I actually can’t believe you’re asking me this five seconds after I just told you it won’t fix your life, and I’m sorry. (I’m apologizing to myself.)

 

A tube top?

So we’re pretending we’re working in an everyday, professional, 9-5 office? Yes? OK, so no. I like you, I’m sure your shoulders are great, but tube tops are questionable on a regular day outside of work (see: I can’t wear them without looking very disproportionate myself), if your workday involves video calls, you will 100 per cent look shirtless (regardless of gender) and the person on the other end has probably not signed up for that.

 

Flip-flops?

Flip-flops are unhygienic and bad for your back, but hey: if that’s the game you’re willing to play, I’m sorry but you still can’t wear them to work because that sound -- that sound -- will ruin the psyches of everyone around you and everyone you will ever meet. This isn’t Abercrombie. And even if it was, I still stand by everything I just said.

 

Shorts?

Terrific question! Here’s a very vague answer: it depends. Are they of “dress code” material? Are they long enough? Are they ironed? Are you wearing a fancy top with it? Are you wearing shoes or a sandal that isn’t a flip-flop? If the shorts have pockets, that brings me to my next point.

 

Cargo shorts?

Only if you can name five things you have carried in those pockets. And all five have to work and/or office-related.

 

Graphic T-shirts?

So it’s not a dress-down day, and your fellow employees are hanging out in button-downs and maybe polos? Some nice slacks? Skirts? OK, great! Then nope, no way, absolutely not. You could wear basically any other shirt (minus tube and tank) and look more pulled together than if you were to waltz into an accountant’s place, wearing a t-shirt with a pun about beer. We know you’re funny. Your e-mails are witty and great. You don’t need to wear it on your T-shirt in this moment because I’m sorry, you could probably tell the joke better at a later date and not have to advertise your brand of humour via cotton-blend. Tweet, friend. Go forth.

 

Tank tops?

This question has a million answers, none of which I am prepared to answer here. So I’ll make it easy: ask your boss, because tank tops can mean a lot of things, and my main advice is just to avoid a lot of mesh.

 

Mesh?

What did I just say?

 

Anything that makes you look like Christian Grey?

If you or anyone you cares about begins to look like Christian Grey, call the police immediately and move that person to a yurt, where they can recover. Administer bucket hats, graphic T-shirts, and flip-flops at will. Encourage the phrase, “Hang loose.”

 

A graphic t-shirt that says “hang loose”?

Well, obviously.