How to set (and decipher) a formal dining table

’Tis the season to impress dinner guests.

And while the winter holidays are the perfect time to throw a formal dinner party, for those of us who’ve never set a formal table, the task can seem pretty daunting.

A formal setting can intimidate guests, too: “Which glass is mine?” “Is that your bread knife or mine?”

Shine On asked Toronto-based etiquette writer and advisor Karen Cleveland for some help in navigating formal table settings.

Shine On: What makes a table setting a “formal” one?

Cleveland: A “formal” table setting is really subjective, but a good gauge is that it is set for multiple courses.

In mid-to-late nineteenth century, we started dining a la Russe, meaning that each type of food was served in its own course, and the table wasn’t reset between all of them. All the forks showed up on the table at once, and it was up to the hostess or butler to know which order the meal was coming out in so that the cutlery could be arranged accordingly. That began our (relatively modern) attention to a formal table setting.

What dishes and cutlery are required for a formal table setting? Can everyday utensils be used? Or do we need to start polishing — or borrowing — the silver?

I think life is too short not to use the good stuff, so by all means, break out the crystal and silver for any occasion.

That said, the cost of the flatware doesn’t make it formal, so you can set a beautiful table with every day materials, using whatever you have. Doll it up with tons of white candles (inexpensive and always gorgeous) and some fresh flowers. If you’re going to make a small investment, setting the table with linen napkins makes it feel special, and a great quality set is relatively affordable.

How do you approach setting a table? We just don’t know where to start.

By way of a hypothetical setting, here you go: Generally, you can follow utensil placement to work from the farthest from the plate and work your way inward. Forks go on the left, with the salad fork first, and then the dinner fork beside the plate. On the right side of the plate you will find the knife, appetizer or salad knife, spoon, soup spoon, and oyster fork. The knife blades should be positioned with the cutting sides closest to the plates. The fork and knife closest to the plate are for eating your main course.

The dessert fork or spoon in most cases will be placed parallel or diagonal to the edge of the table near the top of your plate. In some cases it may be set on the empty dessert plate.

Not all formal place settings will have all the flatware mentioned; you will only find it if you will need it for one of the courses. Don’t put an oyster fork on the table if you’re not serving oysters. That’s mean.

Is every setting identical, or do you make adjustments for children, non-wine drinkers, etc.?

I’d say set the table with the same setting, see where people sit, then modify accordingly. You’d have to know your guests very, very well to start mucking with their place setting. What if that night they suddenly decide for the first time in a decade they want bread? And you’ve removed their bread plate? The horror!

As guests, how do we “fake it” if we’re new to formal settings? Is it always “work your way in”?

Outside in and watch your host: following their cue.

What are the most common table-setting mistakes?

Having more things on the table than required, to give the impression it’s more complicated than it really is.

Seven simple formal-dinner-party tips from Cleveland:

1. Be well stocked.

"Have double the wine on hand that you think you’ll need. And make sure your guests have a safe way home," Cleveland says.

2. Guests, don’t sit until your host sits.

And don’t eat until your host starts eating.

3. Serve like a pro.

For guests, once your host is seated, take your seat from the right.

"Purists say that food should be served from the right and cleared from the right, but you’ll often see served from the left, removed from the right," Cleveland says, acknowledging that it "really doesn’t matter, though a good rule of thumb for hosts is to never serve with the back of your arm facing your guest."

4. Cut one bite at a time.

Even if it takes you longer this way, don’t cut more than a bite at a time.

"You shouldn’t pre-cut your entire steak, though I fully agree that is most efficient. Cut one bite at a time. Always."

5. Know your bread-and-butter etiquette.

To cut or to tear a dinner roll? Cleveland has the answer:

"Don’t cut it in half like a sandwich bun. Use the butter knife to put a little pad of butter on your side plate. Then you tear off and butter each piece as you eat it: not like you’re buttering bread for a sandwich.”

6. When it comes to passing food, maintaining order is key.

"The whole pass-to-the-right thing is really just to ensure that there is some type of order," Cleveland says. "Food is always passed in one direction to avoid having someone end up with two dishes at once. And if the person to your left asks for something, don’t pass it ALL THE WAY around to the right of the table, common sense prevails."

She adds, “And always pass the salt and pepper as a pair.”

7. Don’t confuse formal with fussy.

"Please, remember to have fun."

Get more etiquette advice from Cleveland at her blog, Finishing School.

Brush up on some basic table manners here.

Serving tea at your next party? Cleveland shares a quick overview on tea etiquette in the video below.

Have you ever thrown a formal dinner party?