Advertisement

Clothing items you should never wear to a music festival (or ever)

It’s been almost a full week since we caught wind of the bro in his “Eat, Sleep, Rape, Repeat” T-shirt, which means we’re hours away from the second installment of the two-weekend Coachella extravaganza.

Via Twitter
Via Twitter

Which also means it’s time to remind everyone who’s attending how to be a living human person.

Here’s the thing about music festivals: I’ll pass, thanks. I don’t like them, I think they’re overwhelming, and if I really like a band, I would rather hog them all to myself at their very own concert, where I can be far removed from port-a-potties and quite closer to indoor plumbing.

But alas, this weekend is Coachella, which is a music festival. And with music festivals come the reminder that it’s very easy not to dress like a terrible person: you just decide to put a little bit of thought into the clothes you wear.

I know it seems daunting. And if you’re heading to the festival this weekend, your first goal might not be to avoid cultural appropriation or shirts about sexual assault because you’re amped on the glory of who Drake will be kissed by.

But the thing is, for considering Coachella (and other festivals) has become less a music festival than it is the rich-person equivalent of a high school cafeteria, how and what you’re wearing should be one of your top priorities. (Also: not dressing like an entitled fool should always be one of your top priorities.) Not just because you will be seen (by thousands/maybe millions), but because you don’t know what your sexual assault T-shirt may trigger or how your willingness to perpetuate rape culture comes across as callous at best.

So in case you’re confused about what to wear to an upcoming music festival, here’s a quick guide. This way, you have no excuse for slipping into a Native American headdress. Or wearing a T-shirt that makes rape seem funny. Let’s do this.

Should you wear:

Any T-shirt that romanticizes and/or perpetuates rape culture, systemic racism, violence, or objectifies women?

Don't wear this. (Facebook)
Don't wear this. (Facebook)

Absolutely not. What’s wrong with you? Why did you need to ask me this?

A Native American headdress?

NOPE (Courtesy Kylie Jenner/Instagram)
NOPE (Courtesy Kylie Jenner/Instagram)

The thing about cultural misappropriation is NO DO NOT WEAR A NATIVE AMERICAN HEADDRESS IF YOU ARE NOT A NATIVE AMERICAN PERSON. Are we still talking about this? How is this still happening in 2015?

Bathing suit bottoms as pants?

Mat Hayward/Getty Images
Mat Hayward/Getty Images

Are you comfy? Then live your best life. (And don’t let anybody shame you for it.)

Cargo shorts?

Thinkstock
Thinkstock

No. Because they’re terrible, you guys, they’re just the worst.

Something “controversial”?

I don’t know what “controversial” means or why you’re being so vague, but here’s a good rule of thumb: if something feels racist or sexist or wrong, don’t wear it. Do not. Why would you even risk it? Stop. Calm down. You don’t need to wear the thing. You’re not a hero if you wear the thing. And odds are, if something feels wrong (and/or you have to ask if it’s offensive), it probably is wrong – or at least not right enough to wear without a little more education. So back away from whatever it is you’re thinking of picking up, and put on some SPF instead. (I worry about you.)

Crocs?

Scott Olson/Getty Images
Scott Olson/Getty Images

As long as they’re not those shoes with individual toes, you can wear Ziploc bags on your feet for all I care.

Feathers?

Frazer Harrison/Getty Images for Coachella
Frazer Harrison/Getty Images for Coachella

In what context? Are you literally covered in feathers? I’d like to talk more about how that works and also why. Especially why. …Why?

Pieces that make me look like a rock and/or roll star from the 1970s?

Ugh, I don’t know. Sure! Go for it. I don’t know what this means. This is why I don’t like music festivals. I’m wearing a sweater with cats on it right now and I suggest each and every one of you just wear that.

Especially this weekend, and especially to Drake’s set.

You’re welcome.