Tebowing Your Way to a Happy Marriage
It doesn't take much to get some folks stirred up these days. For example, Tim Tebow, who, in an interview with Vogue magazine, says he is looking for an attractive wife with "a servant's heart," now stands accused of wanting a woman from the pages of Fifty Shades of Grey for a wife.
Considering that women have made that book a NYT bestseller, I'm not sure why that is considered a bad thing for Tebow to want, but that's a subject for a later post.
Or this post that my wife found on Facebook: 25 Ways to Communicate Respect to Your Husband Without Ever Uttering a Word. The post, written by Jennifer Flanders, begins with:
"Actions speak louder than words. You can say you respect your husband, but he'll have a hard time believing that unless your behavior backs it up. What does respectful living look like? Here are 25 ways you can communicate respect to your spouse without uttering a word."
Doesn't seem too controversial, does it? After all, the phrase "Actions speak louder than words" has become a cliche for good reason. We all know that words can be as empty as a winning politician's campaign promises, long on the promise, but short on the fulfillment.
Related: How to be a good wife according to a 1950's home-ec book
So why would these statements raise a ruckus?
And they have certainly done that. Tebow has had to issue an explanation of his statement, and the comment storm on Flanders's page continues unabated.
The controversy appears to stem from two sources, the first being a complete lack of understanding of the Christian concept of servanthood. Being a servant is not considered a bad thing in Christianity. In fact, service is considered to be a virtue, and to be told you have a servant's heart is high praise. After all, one of the last things Jesus did before dying on the cross was wash His disciple's feet, performing as the lowest of servants. And earlier, when His disciples were disputing among themselves about who was the greatest, Jesus told them that to be the greatest, they would have to become as the least, and be a servant to all. Going further, when Jesus died on the cross, He did so as an act of service to us all, to pay the penalty for our sin.
To the non-Christian, this is absolutely incomprehensible, and it's pretty tough even for most Christians to fully grasp. But this concept of being a servant is a keystone of Christianity, so when Tebow said he was looking for a woman with a servant's heart, he was talking about a woman who, like him, acknowledged that our job as Christians is not merely to meet our own needs, but to place the needs of others ahead of our own.
Related: Ask for alone time...and 9 other marriage tips worth listening to
This concept of service also runs through Flanders's post and that really upsets feminists, who see her position as a threat to their own hard-won equality. Even the mildest responses accuse Flanders of pushing women back into the '50s, and that makes me ask a simple question: Are feminists so precarious in their self image that a woman who chooses a different path to a fulfilling marriage must instantly be castigated and discredited? Isn't there room in modern feminism for a woman to choose a traditional role?
Looking at Flanders's bio, she is a Christian mother of 12, happily married and certainly fulfilled, and besides her blog, has written a book about marriage. I'm not seeing the feminist nightmare of a woman chained to the kitchen, barefoot, pregnant with a gag over her mouth here.
And looking at her post, many of her suggestions are nothing more than common courtesy. For example:
Don't Interrupt
Have you ever been around a person who won't let you finish a sentence? That gets old fast. Even if you think you already know what your husband is going to say, allowing him to say it without cutting him off mid-sentence shows both respect and common courtesy.Is this truly subservience? Is it demeaning to women to allow their husband to finish a sentence? Or is it just common courtesy?
Other examples of simple courtesies include Don't Nag(7), Smile(9), Be Thankful(8), and Kiss Him Goodbye(12).
Related: The 15 best marriage tips from the worst husband everNow I can understand some women getting upset over some of the other suggestions she makes, but these are really nothing more than the minimum standards of socially acceptable behavior and are simple ways to create a harmonious environment. Yet a quick look through the comments shows that even these simple recommendations draw fire from feminists who apparently believe that polite behavior is subservient behavior. The most common complaint is that the list seems to make it solely the woman's responsibility for maintaining a harmonious environment.
Well, her husband published his own list, and looking down that list, we see Listen(1), Communicate(2), Value Her Individuality(5), Use Good Hygiene(15) and Limit the Gross Stuff(16). In other words, both spouses have responsibility for maintaining a pleasant environment at home.
But all of these are really just the side show. The main event, the one that gets the fur flying is her last suggestion.
