I HAVE to VENT

I just have to vent or I will go crazy!! I try so hard to do everything I can for not only the ones in my home but for other family members too. They just don't get it, I am older now, I am sick and in pain a lot, I just can't keep doing it all.. The best way to get this out of my system is to just tell you the story.

I A few yrs ago, my daughter in law left my disabled son and her daughter, who was 18 at the time. i am no condeming her, as my son was not an easy man to live with, he was abusive, inconsiderate and a drug addict. His was physically abusive and verbally threatening, I don't blame her for leaving him. What I feel is guilt for him being left on his own, and not knowing how to care for himself. I had lived with them, so this came at a time, when I was going to be moving on my own. Because I am a mother and grandmother, I couldn't just leave them behind. So, I found a house big enough for all of us. My youngest son, moved in with us, as I needed his strength to help me deal with his brother and to help me with the things I can no longer do. My oldest son is David, my middle son is Steven, he is serving a 15 yr sentence in prison in Terre Haute. My granddaughter Crystal came to live with us too, she was kind of left behind. These past few years have not been easy. In that time we have moved once to another home, Crystal has had a baby, she is 2now, and we need to find a home with more room. Where we are at, Kevin has no privacy, he has the living room as his room. Since our move, we have had to deal with the after math of davids yrs of drug use. He is now paranoid and has episodes of when he believes everyone is out to get him, harm him and he will take care of everyone in his way, on and on, etc......I have had to have him arrested to get him in the hospital to be evaluated. He refuses to get help. The stress and aprehension with him is getting more than I can bear. I am not worried about his threats to me, but he wants to go at Kevin so much, one day Kevin won't be able to help himself, and he will have to hurt David. Nothing we say or do will change David unless he gets some extensive help. I have asked his sons to help me with this situation, have him committed for help, but they don't help me with this. If they don't want to deal with him or his moods they just don't come around him.
So as you can see I am dealing with this stress, I am sick myself and disabled, I can't even get myself to the doctor like I should to take care of me, usually because I am so wrapped up in what is going on with David or doing what he needs, I am to exhausted to worry or care for me.
the next issue is Crystal and Jordynn, I love them both so much, and Crystal is a good mom, but she won't let Jordynn get down and run and play through the house, she won't let her down to play in her room, because the carpets are bad, so if Jordynn gets to play it is in my room, she is an active 2 yr. old, and she is constantly climbing on stuff, getting into my books and she is so active, I just love her to pieces.........but, I need people to understand I need my own time in my own room, right now everyone is in my room all the time and going to and from the bathroom. This stresses me at times too.

My next Issue is this move we want to make, Kevin isn't planning on staying with us for long and will be getting his own place, but for now we are all still together... Trying to find one with the space we need and that we can afford, is not easy unless we go to a bad and violent neighborhood, I can't do that. So, how do I make them all happy when we move. David wants a garage so he can fix it up like a little apartment, Kevin wants a finished basement so he can have privacy and space to have his friends around. Crystal wants a room big enough for her and Jordynn, or a room for her and one for Jordynn, and ole mom, well if need be I will end up with a bedroom in the dining room again............just so everyone else can be happy........one day what will happen, Kevin will move out, David will end up me making him move out to his own little apt. and I will be left with this big place, I can't keep up, and can't afford.............NO-ONE understands all this pressure of keeping everyone else happy, is pushing me down more and more.............I don't know how much longer I can take it. No one offers help or solutions. I don't want to live alone, it terrifies me, I want the time and space for myself to relax, enjoy my hobbies of writing, working on my book and doing some sort of at home work, for extra income.............

Am I selfish, do I want to much..........