They Don't Come With a Handbook
So an unruly young visitor has complained about your 'nasty' cooking...and is now using your sofa as a trampoline. Is it ever okay to tell off someone else's child? Here's the lowdown on what to do - kindly and fairly, with sanity intact...
When other people's kids are trashing your home...
In our eagerness to be liked by everyone, we mothers are often reluctant to spoil the 'fun'.
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'I worry that Marcus's friends will think I'm a spoilsport if I tell them off,' admits iVillager Jasmine, 37, mum to a seven-year-old. Yet the sooner children realise there are rules, the easier they'll be to handle.
Try to nip boisterous behaviour in the bud, using the distraction technique, just as you would with your own children: 'Right everyone, you'll damage the sofa doing that. Come on - I've got some fun stuff to do in the garden.' Quick thinking required...
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When they won't eat what you've cooked...
That's horrible! I can't eat it...' It's pretty disheartening when you've made an effort, only for your young visitor to scowl at his dinner as if it's roadkill.
If you can speedily whip up an alternative with minimal hassle, then perhaps offer to do so. However, if you've offered something pretty unchallenging - and it's not a case of the child being vegetarian - then it's perfectly reasonable to say, 'Why don't you just try it and see how you get on?'
Then just go about your business without cajoling or making a fuss. A big bowl of sliced-up baguette on the table is good 'insurance' against hunger, but be sure to mention that the child hasn't eaten much to the parent who collects him.
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When there's an emergency...
We all dread something happening to a child when they're in our care. Be sure to have their parents' mobile and landline numbers, and check with their main carer before giving paracetamol or ibuprofen, in case they have allergies or have already had a dose. In the case of an asthma attack, call their parent/caregiver immediately.
Asthma Society of Canada advises administering a fast-acting bronchodialtor (or blue reliever puffer) during an asthma attack. The medication should "help restore normal breathing within 10 to 15 minutes. The effect lasts for about 4 hours."
If a parent isn't available and symptoms aren't subsiding, call 911. If you have to take a child to the emergency room, remember to take their medications with you.
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When someone's upset during a sleepover...
Staying away overnight can be hard, especially if the child doesn't know you well. Sometimes a cuddle, a chat and a drink can be enough to settle her - perhaps privately, so she's more likely to tell you what's upsetting her.
Maybe she's feeling left out, or the room's too dark? If she's still unhappy, it's usually best to call her parents - even though they probably won't be best pleased in the middle of the night. Then either take her home, or have them collect her. After all, you need your sleep too...
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When they've been mean to your child...
It's heartbreaking when your child is being picked on or excluded by a so-called friend - and it's especially awkward if you're friendly with the perpetrator's mum. But rather than wading in and accusing someone else's child of wrongdoing, make sure you have all the facts.
Then mention it to the child's parent, in a 'Just thought you should know this' tone, rather than, 'Your child is an animal.'
From that point, it's up to them to talk to their own child and deal with it as they see fit. In the meantime, unless it's a flukey one-off incident, encourage your child to make other, kinder friends.
When they talk rudely to you...
No please and thank you? Just a barked, 'I wanna drink?' If rudeness bothers you, you're not alone - two thirds of parents think that encouraging good manners is the most important part of raising a child, according to a study by hygiene company SCA.
Here's what Claire, a 46-year-old mum of three suggests: 'If a child says they want something without saying please, I look at them blankly as if I haven't quite understood and say, "Sorry, could you ask for that nicely please?" And if they won't, they don't get it.' Harsh, or fair? It all depends on the level politeness you expect (and it's your house, so your rules apply!).
When they won't do as you ask...
Ignoring your safety rules when you're out and about is dangerous. To avoid hair-raising scenarios, talk to the whole group of children before you head out, so they know exactly the kind of behaviour you expect.
Try to present it positively, rather than rattling off a big list of don'ts. For exmaple, 'I know you'll all be sensible but I just need to remind you to stay with me and not run off.'
Then say you hope you can trust everyone to be sensible so you can all have a great day. And if they still run amok? Talk to them calmly, one-to-one if possible, reiterating why it's important that they behave well.
When they lead your child astray...
It's tempting to assume your child's being egged on by a devious kid ('It was all her idea!') but try not to jump to conclusions. If you suspect her friend of encouraging naughtiness, talk to your child (alone) about how she can make her own choices, and not be lead by others.
Praise her when she's been strong enough to make a wise decision instead of going with the flow: 'It's great that you didn't play further away than we agreed, even though Josie wanted you to.'
When they're always round at your place...
So the hoards use your place as an unofficial youth club? 'It's tiring, noisy and they eat me out of house and home,' admits Kelly, 39, mum to 11-year-old twin boys, 'but despite all that, I'd rather they use our house as a base than wandering the streets aimlessly.'
Look on the positive side, too: clearly, your home is viewed as fun and welcoming. But if your space is being invaded too often, agree new ground rules with your children. For example, no friends over until homework's done, or nominate two or three days a week as family time only. Your children will benefit from some quieter times too.
When you just don't like them very much...
While you can exert some influence your child's friendships they're very young, as they grow older they'll make their own choices. And sometimes, these might not be the people you'd have picked. Try to keep an open mind and get to know their mates as individuals - and, if you think someone's really trouble, encourage your child to widen his friendship circle.
Ultimately, though, they'll choose their own friends, just as you do. And, while other people's children can make your life even more hectic and complicated, at least it's never dull. Just like parenting itself...
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