If you’ve ever fallen head over heels for the Mr. Wrong (and who hasn’t?), you know that the laws of attraction are both a science and a mystery. Sometimes we find ourselves inexplicably attracted to a man who brings us nothing but drama while the perfect gentleman goes completely unnoticed. Sorry guys!
I hear it from women in the dating game all the time. They meet and connect with a guy who is perfect on paper, but they just don’t seem to click. He’s handsome, kind, funny and caring -- a perfect 10. But sexually, they just can’t seem to get beyond first gear -- or first base.
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Most of these women start to blame themselves and wonder if something is wrong with them. They label themselves as self-destructive or damaged when in most cases, nothing could be farther than the truth. Sexual chemistry is a complex and wondrous thing and we can’t always control whom we’re attracted to and we shouldn’t apologize for our sexuality.
However, this doesn’t mean that your sexual and romantic future is out of your hands. Feeling something doesn’t necessarily mean that you have to act on that feeling. And if you don’t experience a rush of sexual chemistry with a partner (new or old), there is good news, as many of these chemical reactions can be cultivated.
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Read on to learn more about building the 4 essential elements of sexual chemistry.
Novelty is key to sexual attraction and desire. The brain works in wondrous ways and it is excited by change, unpredictability and new challenges. Anticipation of the unknown sets off a wave of chemical reactions in the body and in relationships, we often characterize these feelings as chemistry.
Science suggests that power of novelty is related to dopamine, the pleasure hormone that spikes when you encounter something new. Refueling this pleasure hormone is one of the easiest ways to experience feelings of sexual chemistry in both young and old relationships. All you have to do is change things up a little and ask your lover to do the same.
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If your date or partner is predictable to the point that you’re just not feeling excited, tell him how much you love to be surprised. Better yet, tell him how much it turns you on! Humans are naturally motivated by the sexual chase, but some men (and women) are shy about trying new things unless you give them permission and encouragement.
Remember that not everyone falls in love at first sight. All attraction is fluid and you will experience waves of intensity and periods of lull throughout your relationship. As long as you feel some attraction to one another, don’t worry if the sparks don’t immediately fly, as you have nowhere to go but up!
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My clients have experienced great successes in heightening attraction and desire by incorporating novel acts into their otherwise predictable routines. From surprising a lover at work with a brown-bag lunch to spicing it up with a little dirty talk, small changes can amount to big rewards in the sexual chemistry department.
Feeding Your Erotic Script
Your erotic script is the aggregate of all the things that make you feel sexual. It’s a complex storyline made up of feelings, experiences, desires, fantasies, fears and values both conscious and unconscious. Each woman’s erotic script is unique, so it goes without saying some men will luck out and play into your script perfectly, while others will entirely miss the mark. Since men aren’t mind-readers (if only they were!), sexual chemistry sometimes requires giving and receiving directions.
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Learning to identify your own erotic script by taking the time to consciously consider what turns you on (and off) will help you to offer guidance to potential partners. Start by thinking of your top three fantasies or sexual memories and try to identify the themes that really rev your engine.
In your fantasies, do you like to be dominated or do you prefer to be a seductress? Do you like when your partner is gentle and caring in bed or are you turned on by a bit of aggression? Sometimes our sexual turn-ons conflict with our real-life values and this can make it hard to acknowledge our scripts. For example, gender equality may be of paramount importance in your real life, but in your sex life you may like your man to take control. This is perfectly normal and recognizing this healthy incongruity will make it easier to identify openings for sexual connections.
Sharing these scripts with your partner can help to build chemistry by giving him permission to play new roles that suit your erotic script as opposed to the cultural script with which he may be accustomed.
The willingness to disagree is also essential to sexual chemistry. While I’ve never met a couple who had too much in common, I have dealt with many couples who don’t acknowledge their differences and waste their energy pandering to one another’s needs. In most cases, it is one partner who does the bulk of the pandering.
Since every person is so incredibly unique, conflict between individuals arises naturally. There is no need to look for conflict or seek out polar opposites, but acknowledging your differences can go a long way. From an increase in blood pressure to the pleasures of make-up sex, conflict can spark chemistry in unexpected ways.
Science tells us that some elements of sexual chemistry boil down to animal instinct. Scents, sounds, shapes and behaviours can fuel or flatten our attraction at a subconscious level. For instance, studies show that each of us has a unique chemical scent beyond our control that affects potential partners subconsciously. Women are most attracted to men’s natural scents while ovulating in contrast to men who are consistently turned on by women’s bodily odours including vaginal secretions.
Other research suggests that ovulating women are attracted to aggressive, confident men with deep voices while non-ovulating women experience greater attraction to kindness. This is most interesting as a reminder that our sexual tastes are constantly changing.
Though science suggests that much of our biochemical attraction is beyond our control, it’s only one element of sexual chemistry. And scientific findings don’t always reflect our personal realities. For instance, most women I know would pick a happy man over a sulky one, yet one study claims that women find sad men more attractive.
So if you’re looking to build chemistry with your perfect-on-paper guy, don’t give up! Novelty, erotic scripts and conflict are all too easy to feed with minimal effort and the rewards, from true love to mind-blowing orgasms, are well worth-it.
Jessica O'Reilly is a sought-after sexologist with a PhD in human sexuality. She maintains a private practice in Toronto and travels the world to teach workshops that promote healthy and deliciously pleasurable sex. From regular appearances on Cosmopolitan TV to hosting retreats in the sunny Caribbean, she relishes in every moment!
Check out her work at SexWithDrJess.com.
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