4 Ways to Keep Your Husband from Shutting Down
He may be suffering from "husband withdrawal syndrome"--at your expense. By Anna Davies, REDBOOK.
Has your husband ever avoided answering a simple question or--maddeningly--left the room during a conversation? It might feel inconsiderate, or at least puzzling, but experts say he is listening. You might not have realized it, but the last thing you said--maybe about the credit card bill or the dirty dishes--could have struck him as the beginning of a fight. And he wants to avoid that in any way possible… even if that means walking away. Sorry, what?
He may be suffering from a common--and curable--case of "husband withdrawal syndrome." "Men have a fight-or-flight instinct when it comes to conflict," says Jamie Turndorf, Ph.D., a psychologist and author of Kiss Your Fights Goodbye. When you yell, or even if he thinks you're upset, "he feels attacked and flees, either physically or verbally, by refusing to engage in the argument. The more you react, the more he'll retreat, until you both find yourselves at a standstill," says Turndorf. Luckily, there are a few tricks that'll bring you back together.
Related: The 10 Phrases That Make Men Go Ballistic
1. Don't be accusatory. For a guy who's afraid of conflict, even an innocent-sounding question can seem like a test. So if you have a request, voice it in a way that gives him a chance to succeed. Instead of asking, "Have you taken out the garbage yet?" say, "If you haven't already, would you mind putting out the garbage when you take the dog for a walk?" It's a simple switch that makes it clear that you're not looking for an argument--you're just enlisting his help in getting a chore done.
2. Treat him like a pal, not a husband. A recent study found that strangers sometimes communicate better than couples. It sounds crazy, but hear us out: Imagine you were telling a colleague where the work gang was headed to happy hour. You'd give her specific directions--or send her a Google map. But if you were sharing the same info with your guy, you might say something like, "It's that place where we went for Nadine's 30th birthday." The less specific you are, the more room there is for error--and anger. And if you feel a miscommunication creeping up as you and he are talking, gently make sure that you're on the same page.
Related: 10 Reasons the Blow Job Isn't Going Anywhere
3. Be a problem-solver. Sometimes, you have good reason to be mad. How do you tell him without him shutting down? Say you have 7 p.m. dinner reservation, but he saunters into the house at 7:05 (grr!). Take a few deep breaths and see if you can diffuse the situation by telling him that his tardiness means he's on the hook for making the arrangements the next time you two go out. Setting up a reward and punishment system for bad behavior may sound like something you'd do for your preschooler, but it takes the focus off him and puts it onto the behavior. Later, once everyone's calmed down, tell your husband how you feel when he's late--whether it's like he doesn't respect you, or it makes you worry about him. Whatever it is, keep the focus on you, and follow up by asking him how you can help. The more you can connect on how to solve the problem and understand where the other is coming from, the more likely you'll move beyond it… and have a good date night in the process.
Related: 10 Things You Do That Make Him Think You Don't Care
4. Be aware of where you're coming from. According to Turndorf, what ticks us off most in romantic relationships are things that echo bad feelings from our childhoods. Being aware that you always get pissed when people are late because you remember being the last kid left on the playground when school let out may sound silly, but it's also a legitimate part of your history. Letting your guy know why certain behaviors peeve you--and allowing him to share his thoughts as well--makes it clear to both of you that it's the behavior, not him, that drives you nuts. That's helpful when it comes to figuring out ways to not let it happen again.
More from REDBOOK:
25 Reasons Why Married Sex Is Better
11 Things You Do That Make Him Crazy -- and Not in a Good Way
Foreplay Moves All Men Secretly Crave
8 Ways to Make Sex a Little Better Tonight
