Photo: Getty ImagesThink Your Way to Better Sex
Forget the romantic chocolates and acrobatics: A recent study suggests that we can actually think our way to better sex. Researchers at Brown University showed that women who received “mindfulness” training reported their responses (“calm,” “excited” or “aroused”) to erotic pictures faster than they did before the course. Such responses reflect the ability to register changes in your body. You may lack awareness of sensation and arousal during sex, researchers say, if you’re too busy thinking about the grocery list or knocking around self-doubts like, “Do I look fat right now?” We talked to Marsha Lucas, Ph.D., a psychotherapist and neuropsychologist in Washington, D.C., and author of Rewire Your Brain for Love, about how to use mindfulness to improve your sex life.
Activate Your Orgasm
Mindfulness meditation is a practice originating in Buddhist tradition that has been shown to alleviate stress, depression and anxiety, and even boost your immunity. It helps to focus the mind on what’s happening in the moment, often through following the breath. Over time, the practice appears to actually enhance the size of and connections to the anterior insula, a brain region associated with our awareness of physical and emotional sensations. Activation of the insula has also been linked to better orgasms in women.
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“Beyond that, mindfulness helps you to pay attention, period,” Lucas explains. “You’re better attuned to what you want and need, and what’s going on for your partner, so you can respond in better ways as a lover.”
Follow Your Breath
Mindfulness means paying attention, on purpose, in the present moment, without judgment, according Jon Kabat-Zinn, a pioneer in bringing mindfulness to the United States. It sounds like a lot, but in practice it’s quite simple: All you need to do is to set aside time during the day to pay attention to your breath. “Notice the sensation of the air coming in through your nostrils and down into your chest, and feel your chest and belly expand as you inhale. Then notice what happens as you exhale,” explains Lucas. Focusing on your breathing is a way to practice being aware of your body’s experience, which is good for you and good for sex.
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Practice Mindfulness Meditation Every Day
Twenty minutes a day devoted to mindfulness meditation is ideal, and breaking this into two 10-minute chunks also seems to work. Most people start with five or even just two minutes and work up from there. “It’s more about the regularity than the quantity,” Lucas says. “It’s sort of like weight lifting: A little bit every day is better than one intense session once a week.”
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Limit Distractions
Try to have as few interruptions as possible, especially when you’re first starting the practice. Morning meditation sessions can be especially beneficial, since they set a tone of mindfulness for the day. “Have your coffee if you need it to wake up, but don’t turn on the TV or computer, because chances are, once you do, you won’t get to your meditation,” Lucas advises. If dimming the lights and burning candles helps you relax and look forward to your session, go for it, but they’re not necessary.
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Refocus Your Attention
Your mind will wander during mindfulness meditation, but the key is to notice it and then refocus. “This is actually the moment a lot of researchers believe you’re making changes in your brain,” Lucas says. “When your attention wanders, simply notice that it’s happened then bring your awareness back to your breath, gently and with kindness.” Set a timer so you’re not distracted wondering how much time has passed.
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Look for Mindful Moments Everywhere
Your “formal” meditation sessions (seated in a quiet place with no interruptions) are actually a springboard for informal mindfulness moments. “While you’re practicing formally, you’re developing better neural pathways for doing it spontaneously throughout your day,” Lucas says. Neuroscience researchers have seen brain changes start to show up in as soon as two weeks -- around the same amount of time it takes for people to notice their behavior is changing, Lucas says. Once you learn how to meditate and cultivate a regular practice, you’ll get better at noticing when you’re being “out of mindfulness,” like when you’re stressed out at the grocery store or the airport. “You can take a breath and do a little micro-mindfulness moment spontaneously.” The idea is to train your brain to stop rushing through life and start actually living in it. “Being on autopilot is the enemy of good sex, and mindfulness practice is the antidote to autopilot.”
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Use Guided Meditation -- at First
Mindfulness meditation classes (often 12-week sessions, and sometimes called insight meditation) are widely available across the country, or you can download recordings of guided meditation. Try Mindfulness-Solutions.com, run by Ronald Siegel, a psychologist and assistant professor at Harvard and author of The Mindfulness Solution. Lucas says guided meditations, either in person or on tape, can be helpful for beginners and for refreshing your practice, but it’s wise to practice on your own as well. “There’s some research that suggests that practicing mindfulness meditation under your own steam, without having someone else guiding you each time, engages parts of the brain that seem to be important to the process of rewiring.”
Increase Body Awareness
Focusing on the breath is the most basic approach to mindfulness meditation and the one you’ll want to return to frequently, but you can also try a body scan, in which you gently and slowly bring awareness to different parts of your body. If there’s a part you consistently can’t tune into, think about what it would be like to have more awareness of sensation there. “You may be writing off that part of your body,” Lucas says. “The more you can be aware of your whole body, the better sex is going to be.”
Spread the Love
Another mindfulness meditation practice is called metta, which translates to “loving kindness.” In this technique, you focus your attention on different people or groups of people in your life -- starting and ending with yourself -- and sending each of them good wishes, such as, “May you know peace.” After feeling and directing these good intentions toward yourself, move on to a mentor or a teacher who was very helpful to you, then an acquaintance, someone you’re having difficulty with and then a larger population, like the people on your street or your office floor. Then return to yourself. As you think of each person and send them good intentions, notice the emotions and physical sensations that arise. This practice cultivates a greater sense of empathy, Lucas says, which helps us feel more connected and less detached or anxious, and gives us a chance to experience more of what it feels like to be connected -- an awareness that helps during sex.
Be Mindful During Sex
Mindfulness meditation will help you notice when your mind is wandering during sex. When this happens, which it naturally will, “bring yourself back, with kindness,” Lucas instructs. An important element of being in the moment during sex is to stop worrying about your orgasm: “Just focus on the sensations you’re having, in a nonjudgmental, noncritical way.” The famous sex researchers Masters and Johnson developed a technique called sensate focus in which you and your partner take turns feeling what it’s like to touch and be touched (when he runs his fingers up and down your back, for example) in both sexual and nonsexual ways. The exercise helps you pay attention to the experience rather than the orgasm goal... or the size of your thighs.
Banish Electronics
A mindful brain is not racing on autopilot, fueled by stimulants like caffeine, adrenaline and the stress hormone cortisol -- or text messages. To help you be more mindful, move the electronics (TV, phone, laptop) out of the bedroom. “All these distractions can be very addictive,” Lucas says. “They stimulate your brain and create an anticipation of pleasure, and they can keep you out of the moment in big ways.” Television in particular promotes a certain mindlessness, she says, but backlit devices like your iPad or laptop also confuse your brain’s light and dark cycles, which can interfere with sleep. Being overtired can keep you from having mindful sex.
Consider Couple’s Meditation
Practicing mindful meditation together, either just before sex or whenever you can get together during the day, can enhance lovemaking by cultivating a stronger connection. “It can help you feel more in tune with your partner, rather than going through a hectic day and then trying to have sex as if you’re just flipping a switch,” says Lucas.
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